Jealousy and ambition

Ambition is like love, impatient both of delays and rivals. ~ Buddha

Today was interview weekend again. Lots of interviewees, some more confident than others. I also saw some students from my old undergrad program. Yay for reprezentin…

Yeah, so a couple of us were having a conversation about what we wanted to get into for residency (i.e. when we become real MDs). Some weren’t too sure, and pretty open to anything. Others on the other hand were super-keeners and knew exactly what residency program they wanted and how they were going to get there. They have their 10-year plans all laid out. There’s this one person, for example, who has made it so far as to identify all the higher-ups/important persons for their desired program at our school, introduced themselves to said big cheeses, and has even lined up a research position with the residency director of the program. They also know who their competition is, and will be very happy to tell any new persons who are considering their program why they shouldn’t even think about it. Wow. This person scares me, puts me to shame, makes me hate them and be impressed & admire them all at the same time. Granted these are super competitive programs, with maybe less than 10 spots in the entire country so it’s kind of understandable that they have these strategies in place. But at the same time, it makes me wonder whether they’re putting all their eggs in one basket. I mean, how can you be sure, really, really sure that this is what you want when you haven’t really done it right?

I on the other hand have a general idea on my residency goals. I like a lot of things, but I’m really intrigued by critical care medicine and cardiology. But who knows? Things can change a lot in four years. Maybe I’ll hate it once I really get into it. I asked my facilitator about this once, and he said not to worry too much about it. It’s too early, and you won’t really get your feet wet until clerkship (3rd year). Ah, how wise he is.

At the same time, this kind of talk also makes me wonder at my own abilities. Honestly, I think I’m an okay student. Well actually, I'm pretty sure I’m a pretty good student. Not the TOP but certainly above average, in spite of the impression I give off. I mean when it comes down to it, I do know my stuff (hmmm... this may be debatable but work with me here). But these super ambitious classmates of mine make me wonder if I had worked harder, not watched that TV show or slept in for those extra 15 minutes, how much difference would it make? Life is strange. One day, you’re on top of the world, full of confidence and belief in yourself and your abilities. The next, you’re full of self-doubt and uncertainty in everything you do. I don’t know. GAH! Then again:

“No TV and no beer make Homer something, something”
“Go Crazy?”
“Don’t mind if I do!”

[See how serious & introspective blood & onc makes you? Yeesh...I feel like I should be wearing a beret and discussing Proust somewhere in a Parisian café]